Ok OK

So I know I bailed out on livejournal for blogspot, but for some reason I just feel wrong expressing my ridiculously, overly-emotional feelings on that site. Livejournal just feels so much more appropriate for honing in on patheticness.

Lately I've just been really scared of people close in my life leaving me- my best friend and my boyfriend.  I just can't shake that feeling that my near future shows no sign of either of them, and that tears me up.  I feel lonely and helpless. 
There was this motivational speaker at orientation who was amazing, hands down best part of those miserable three days.  He talked about your life being like a script, that you're the star of.  He also talked about the people who are in it with you, whether you should give them more lines, or write them out.
But what if they write themselves off!? What if they pull a Katherine Heigl and decide they don't want to be on the show anymore?! I'm so worried that Ashten and Arnold are going to to exactly that.  I doesn't help that I keep having horrible dreams about that happening.  I don't want to accept that fate, I want them, need them in my life forever!

What's even worse is that I really wish I could just talk about this with someone.  Really this is one of those rare times when I'd rather express my feelings to a living, breathing human being instead of coping out to LJ.  But the only two people I would even feel comfortable talking about this with are the two people I'm talking about right now.  I feel so needy!  But I can't help it that one is off hanging with his bros, and the other is in Europe! Not that she would bother to call me anyway! It was like the absolute more depressing moment of my life hearing Jessie talk about how Ashten has called her...and not me.  I'm so pathetic.  I can't help it though, things like that make my heart drop, make me feel like this.  I guess that's just my love language, being number one.   But not to be confused with selfishness.  I'm think I'm right, feeling like this.  Maybe I'm just going crazy.

Regardless I can't stand it.  I'm feeling more lonely than ever.  I'm afraid in continuing to invest in these people because I'm scared to death they are going to leave my life soon.  So why don't I just find new people to replace them? While I still have time?  Well because I don't still have time, and they are irreplaceable.

Because they are irreplaceable.
What sucks, is that I'm replaceable.